1.) Talk dirty to us, but not so dirty we have to wash your mouth with soap. There are some girls who are very comfortable with talking dirty, and there are those who get hives just thinking about sexting someone a naughty message. Effortless talking (such as telling me what you like) is encouraged, but please don’t call me your “dirty little slut.” Too often is a moment ruined by the word “cock”.
2.) A small one is only a small concern. When I first brought up the topic of sexual turnoffs the first response in every group was almost always the same “small dick.” However, immediately after someone else would follow up saying something along the lines of it “it isn’t size that matters, it is the motion of the ocean.” I’m not going to lie to you guys, when we first lay eyes on your below average penis we are going to feel a little discouraged. It isn’t that we don’t have faith in your skill, but you are naturally at a disadvantage when it comes to certain positions. On the other hand, an enormous penis is actually less attractive for some girls. No one wants to feel like they are losing their virginity all over again. Most girls will say they prefer average or slightly-above-average sized guys.
3.) When in doubt: don’t ask us to have anal sex with you. Unless you are my boyfriend and we’ve previously discussed this possibility, I am not going to let you have anal sex with me. I don’t care if you have lube, I don’t care if you’re the hottest guy i’ve ever seen. I do not want to have anal sex with you.
4.) Blow job etiquette. If you are lucky enough that we have decided to give you a blow job, please do not “help”. Although an indication that you’re enjoying yourself is extremely helpful, and lifting our hair so you can watch the show is fine…that is all you should be doing. If you touch our head, push it down, etc– we WILL gag. It is degrading. I once heard a guy say that they love the sound of a girl gagging while giving them a blow job. I hope someday somebody pukes on his dick.
5.) We said “ow” not “wow”. Sex, although fantastic, can also occasionally be painful for us. Women have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so usually we don’t speak up unless you are seriously hurting us. THEREFORE IF WE SAY “OW” it means STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! Be less aggressive in this situation!! “Ow” isn’t a good thing…. okay?
6.) Sensitivity can lead to pain. You like having your balls touched. You don’t like having an aggressive amount of force applied to them, because that is painful. The same rule applies to the clitoris. You should absolutely be paying attention to it, but please be gentle. There are more nerve endings on the clitoris than anywhere else in the female body.
7.) The golden rule always applies… to oral sex. Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. In other words: If we go down on you, you should go down on us. It is so simple, yet so misunderstood. Do you think we ENJOY giving you head? Not particularly. We do it because we want to see you happy!
8.) Stop assuming condoms are optional. Unless we are dating and have previously discussed this matter, please assume you need to wear a condom. Just because we are on birth control doesn’t mean you didn’t bang 9 other girls this year. Immediately go “soft” with a condom on?? Seriously……. #herpesisforever
9.) The finish line is negotiable, but it isn’t on our face. Most girls prefer you ask before finishing anywhere on their body, with the exception of maybe their stomach. However, no girl wants you to ask if you can cum on her face. If a girl agrees to let you do this, it is because she is afraid that if she says no she will look like a prude bitch. Unless it is her idea…. but i’m not sure why she’d want that…. and I think very few of these girls actually exist.
10.) We weren’t paid to come here, don’t treat us like hookers. I think that passion is underrated. You don’t nessessarily have to love us or be our boyfriend, but please acknowledge the fact that SOME connection brought us here together and you aren’t paying us hourly. Treat us with respect, and since you are already there…. at least be present.
11.) Ease into kinky shit, unless previously discussed. Some girls love their hair pulled, others find it degrading. Don’t assist her in the balding process, but a little tug never hurt anybody. Also– don’t assume she likes fingers in her butt. You don’t like anybody touching your ass and you have a prostate gland! Not everybody is into it!
12.) Choking 101. A lot of girls are not into choking at all, but there are quite a few who like it WHEN DONE CORRECTLY!!! There is a difference between a sexy/light choke, and “why is this guy trying to kill me” choke.
13.) If we wanted to get lost in a forest, we’d go on a hiking trip. As a friend of mine once said “if i’m flossing later and find a pube, i’m blocking your number.” You don’t need to be perfectly manscaped, but if you look like you’ve never even trimmed we’re going to be horrified. It doesn’t make you more of a man if you don’t take care of business. Imagine if a girl had a bush… you’d be grossed out…. it goes both ways.
14.) Personal Hygiene. After a long night out I understand that your breath is probably going to smell similar to mine (which reeks of tequila), but it shouldn’t reek of your breakfast from yesterday too. Theres a big difference between recently unbrushed teeth and “George Washington” teeth. It should be obvious enough that body oder is the ultimate mood killer. Why would I want your unshowered body rubbing all over me? Please get it off!!!!
15.) We are not porn stars. This doesn’t make us prudes, this doesn’t mean we suck in bed. What it does mean is that we don’t want to be treated like a girl with trashy tattoos and daddy issues who wants nothing more than to bathe in your cum (sorry that was vulgar). If you want to have selfish sex, have it with your hand. Most of us embrace trying new things, but they should be enjoyable for both people involved.
15.) Switch it up. Missionary is the most popular position because it is the easiest… but every night shouldn’t feel like a #tbt to losing our virginity. You’re more likely to last longer if you’re changing positions and thus increasing the chances that we’re going to enjoy ourselves. Take initiative!
16.) SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE. We’ve all heard the story of the tortoise and the hare. Well, if you learned anything from that story I hope it is that no girl wants to be fucked like a rabbit (“jack hammering”). I’m not insisting that we turn this into an hour-long arrangement…… but wtf are you rushing for it is 2am and neither of us has anywhere to be?
17.) Don’t forget foreplay. For the life of me I cannot understand why men think foreplay is negotiable. The most enjoyable part of sex for many of us is the foreplay. Just because YOU are ready doesn’t mean we are! Do you not realize that if a girl is dry she isn’t ready to go? The more effort you put forth during foreplay, the better the overall sex will be for everyone. Its all in your hands!!!
18.) Lingerie is not a birthday present. It should be given as a “just because” present. Lingerie is not an acceptable christmas/birthday/valentines gift. It is technically not for our personal enjoyment.
19.) Don’t get so drunk that you get whisky dick… especially when you KNOW you’re bringing somebody home. If you know you suffer from alcohol induced erectile disfunction #drinkless. Would you like another shot or your nut?
20.) Just because you’re done doesn’t mean the party is over. As previously stated, most girls get off better during foreplay. Therefore, if you f’up and finish earlier than anticipated, you should still keep things going. Otherwise you just wasted this girl’s time, and look like a selfish jerk. A 2-pump-chump can be awkward, but YOU can fix it!!!